[Roadside Honeysuckle] a zuihitsu

 1. A bit of a note to myself: 'try to be less harsh and exacting on yourself, oh; and give yourself a little more patience. Though you're forty-two, you're still growing and still learning...'

2. whiteness of Zoloft...

3. I keep hummin' the theme-song to "M.A.S.H" for some reason. Its oddly comforting. 

4. My being Queer is something that isn't talked about much. At least it isn't discussed among my friends or family. It has always been the unspoken, (sometimes unacknowledged); but quite obvious 'elephant in the room' type of thing. Often I'll catch myself wondering what Life would have been like had my parent been fully accepting (out-loud) as well as my friends, family, and society-at-large. I knew I was 'different' when I was six years old. It was instinctive, maybe even intuitive. 

5. Watching the camera's, catching sight of some kid riding a skateboard. I never learned to skateboard. I was a nerd as a kid. I loved reading and the arts. Loved writing long poems, and working on my penmanship. I loved reading Maman's (mama in Kouri-Vini) brick-red Encyclopedia set (from the year 1956). Maman turned me on to old movies and old Hollywood. AMC and TCM were movie stations we watched faithfully! How I loved Paul Newman, Montgomery Clift, James Dean, Liz Taylor, Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Olivia DeHavilland and on and on...

6. "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!" — Margot Channing (Bette Davis), "All About Eve"

7. There's a certain kind of charm, and even beauty in things that are intentionally uneven. The Japanese aesthetic that names this is 'Hacho." 

8. Wouldn't it be interesting to describe a person as 'Asymmetrical?' What about labeling a person's attribute or something as asymmetrical? How would that look? How would 'asymmetrical' laughter sound?

9. When thinking about maman, I often wonder if she felt she accomplished everything she wanted to do. When I was standing in her room, near her before she 'walked into the other room;' I wondered if she was scared. I remember really asking GOD to comfort her. To really, really be there for her. I remember telling her how much I loved her and telling her that she didn't have to hold on if she was tired of doing that. The tears fell from her eyes. (she couldn't talk anymore). I just wanted her to be comfortable. I was scared. (Im still scared.) I remember asking someone, 'does ever human have to leave this earth in the grips of Infirmity or Sickness? Murder or violence?' Since maman's transition; I sometimes find myself thinking of my own end and when it will be and what it will be from. I've asked GOD many times to please allow me to NOT transition by means of violence, murder, plane crash, drowing and everything else in between. Perhaps I could be sitting at the table drinking coffee, then; maybe slump over and quietly sigh as I take my last...I really don't wanna leave this world violently OR in the chokehold of illness/sickness/infirmity. 

10. He drives a white Expedition. He is despised EVERY time he pulls into this parking-lot. 

11. I want love. I want a lover. Im not sure if i'll get married, but I do know I want a Life-Companion. 

12. 

yellow 
of roadside honeysuckle
this afternoon 
reviewing all of my 
Creole vocabulary words