BEGINNING MY WRITING (WHATEVER THIS IS) 8-3-2024

      For as long as I can remember, at least for the last ten plus years; I've been told that I have stories on the inside of me. I've been told that there are books upon books within me. That I have been commissioned to write them and tell them.

     For me, when it comes to prophecy or forthtelling, I find a part of myself yearning for a word of insight; an utterance that pulls back the curtain of the future and gives me a brief glance into what will be. There is also the other side of me—the side that feels like many prophetic utterances that I've received; haven't come to pass. Of course, I've been told that more-than-likely the way I expect a prophetic utterance to appear; is NOT how it will arrive. I've been told that the prophetic word probably did come to pass, but because it wasn't the way I expected it to look or show up; I missed its arrival. I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm a divided person when it comes to prophecy. One part craves it badly and the other part of me is deeply skeptical (and often cynical). 

     I don't know what it is I'll be writing. Today is August 3, 2024, a Saturday morning. I'm working an overnight shift. I've grown to somewhat like being by myself (perhaps an effect of all the traumas I've suffered?). Even on this overnight shift, I really like being to myself and not being bothered by random walk-ins or hotel guests. My proverbial mood is: " Please stay where you are and leave me alone!" 

     I've always been a melodramatic personality. I've always 'taken up space' in rooms and among friends and people. Even when I didn't fully know who I was/am, id often use my larger-than-life personality to sweep up a room and the people in it. Trauma and Pain have a tendency to cut a person down and reduce the volume, the weight of their personality. Over the years, after hardships and disappointments—after betrayals and pain upon pain; I recognized how I reduced myself. How much I began to dislike the public, dislike being around too many people, dislike serving and helping people etc. I've been in Customer Service and Hospitality for nearly 16+ years; and after all that time; I am weary and really at the end of my rope with this industry. Its gotten so taxing that I often find myself saying: "I don't want to help anyone anymore." "I just want to be left alone." "I'm tired of helping folks" and other statements close to those. 

     At my big age, I've had to become much more honest with myself than I had been in the past. I've had to begin being completely simplistic (something I craved anyway) and straight-from-the-hip honest to myself about myself. My therapist has counseled me in various meetings to extend grace to myself. I'm becoming more and more aware (even at this moment of writing) that I NEED to extend grace to myself. I must admit that there is a part of me; that still thinks that even in extending grace to myself; I have to be very careful that I don't cripple or justify any 'bad behavior' or 'acting out' in my extending grace moments. Like, I want to be honest about my hurts, about my traumas and its effects on me; WITHOUT sinking into and settling into Victimhood. There is a part of me that is still concerned with how I appear to other people. I am a product of and practitioner of Perfectionism. Its something i've daily been working toward shaking off. Perfectionism is poison. Perfectionism has a huge mouth and a bottomless stomach! Perfectionism is NEVER pleased. 

     Its amazing how you can know something, know it on an intellectual level; but still fail to live it/practice it in daily life. I know how problematic Perfectionism is, but I often find it very hard to not be found in its grip. I think I'm doing better in some ways. Since turning Forty, (I'm Forty-Two as of the writing of this); i've been bit by bit craving the simple life. Wanting good books to read, good friends to do life with, wanting a good lover to love, wanting to travel, take pictures, make memories; see and enjoy and engage this Life that is at once huge and oh so small.